I am trying so hard to contain and control
my emotions
so that
my obnoxious choice of words doesn't affect my loved ones.

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

I am trying syg
don't you worry
because I love you so much.. ;)

I am so very sorry for my vulgar words, just now.

I can't help it
because I know your excitement is based on my sadness
without you knowing it

because I know that
you don't think I know
but the thing is
I do know...
...
...everything.

--

thank you.
for your efforts today

foods were scrumptious
you looked chivalrously handsome
and I do have a great day today
I love you
=)

there is a lot to catch up. 2 years worth of stories. kau rasa? i'll try to jot them down here so aku tak lupa lewls.

i) Career (read: keria)

PhD. yep fatin. kau buat PhD. which is not progressing so well sebab kau malas nak mampus. kau nak, tapi kau malas. kau pandai, tapi kau malas. memang tak jadi apa la.

I do it with my prev supervisor during masters. takleh type nama nanti kang keluar kat search engine kui kui. but yeah. she is being very patient with me. aku je yang selalu uji kesabaran dia -___-"

I still live in the same room with the ever same roommate since 2016 (tira). w1-402 kdse. circa 2017-2018 ada tambahan roommate sorang, fazi. tapi skrg dia dah kerja kat kl yugais. ida pun dah kerja dekat kl jugak. aku dgn tira je yang masih meniti usia purba di sini....


ii) Love Dove Life

Short story 
in early April 2017, i met a nerd named Hanif. we found the click almost immediately and now we are a thing.

Long story

I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths Achilles and his gold Hercules and his gifts Spiderman's control And Batman with his fists And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

I was pretty brokenhearted in 2016/7. and I went goofy-ing around with a few people here and there but unfortunately, things just didn't work out. then in early 2017 fazi asked me to join her lab project. such an experience. fuh. aku rasa aku kurus jap la time jadi denominator tu. eh apo. numerator.. kot? round parking sekitar bandar Muar BP dgn JB. In JB, aku kena jaga parking dekat jalan apetah nama dia but dekat dengan Galleria & bazar karat tu la. jalan trus kot nama dia. sebab jalan dia memang trussss sampai ke syurga k lame joke. jalan trus tu panjang, so bahagi dua. separuh aku ambil, separuh lagi ada sorang mamat nerd pakai spek patsegi tebal kaler hitam ambik.

during the first day of data collection in JB, pagi2 lagi aku kena kacau dengan horny homeless yang tido kat kaki lima kedai. duh. lepas habis 2nd round data collection, aku pun jalan la pegi galleria, cari breakfast. pastu masa dekat zebra crossing patsegi depan galleria tu aku terserempak pulak dgn mamat nerd spek patsegi kaler hitam tu. aku pun tegur la dia.

hai nep. kau tengah amik data ke? aku dah habis dah. aku nak pegi galleria jap nak breakfast
aku bagitau dia aku nak breakfast kang dia ingat aku dok mengular pastu repot.. dia kan nerd

aku dah habis round yang ni.. oo ok

pastu aku jalan la lintas zebra crossing tu
pastu aku dengar dia ikut dari belakang
pastu
pastu
pastu?....

disebabkan aku lapar, aku amik je la makanan tak hirau dia. nasi goreng. sampai sekarang aku terasa nasi goreng galleria tu, sedap mcm mak mak buat. k tiber. pastu dia duduk la sebelah aku.

nep kau tak makan ke?
aku dah makan dah tadi
gais dia dah makan abes buat apa dia ikut aku? dia nak pantau aku keeee

kitaorang pun borak borak. tapi dia tak makan pun, aku rasa bersalah.. aku pun suruh la dia pegi collect data untuk round seterusnya.

nep kau takyah la teman aku makan.. aku ok je kat sini insyaAllah takde horny homeless nak kacau aku.
pastu dia pun pegi collect data.. ahaha yas aku boleh makan dengan aman.

tengahari, aku terserempak dengan dia kat galleria lagi
pastu lontaran demi lontaran text dihantarkan over the time tapi biasanya terhenti kat aku sebab aku memang terkenal dengan kemalasan untuk mereply whatsapp.

esoknya, dia ajak aku pegi beli hiap joo banana cake. to everyone's much surprise bila tgk kitaorang jalan ke port lepak. disebabkan aku takde feeling lagi (time tu) so aku pun nahhh je la dengan peluru2 usikan.

hari ketiga which is hari last, dia ajak aku pegi CS. lunch n tgk exhibition fast & furious. i felt the click tapi aku deny the feelings sebab aku tau its not right to feel such things (at that moment).

aku ingatkan habis event, habis kat situ je la short fling ni.
tapi gais. tiga hari lepastu dia ajak aku tengok wayang.
fuhhhhh berani mamat nerd spek patsegi tebal kaler hitam ni.


But she said, where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts Some superhero Some fairytale bliss Just something I can turn to Somebody I can kiss I want something just like this I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths The testaments they told The moon and its eclipse And Superman unrolls A suit before he lifts But I'm not the kind of person that it fits She said, where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts Some superhero Some fairytale bliss Just something I can turn to Somebody I can miss I want something just like this I want something just like this I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts Some superhero Some fairytale bliss Just something I can turn to Somebody I can kiss I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this

when the sun goes down, and the band won't play.... i'll always remember us this way.

lepas dua tahun, aku baru teringat aku ada blog rupanya. RUPANYAAAAAA

skill menulis aku yang berseni tu dah hilang. berganti seni mengarang ayat skema untuk artikel jurnal.

gitu.

anyways, i do feel like writing again. kau sabajap.

selamat tiba kita ke republik cinta,
lagenda dimensi ruang dan waktu tak bersempadan.
halaman terbentang suci, dicuci noda dan nista,
terhapus dogma dan stigma, kepincangan dan kehilangan.

i am very skeptic to the idea of falling in love.

love? what is that? sejenis kuih? iCringe.

but when i fall- i fall very hard.
i do extraordinary things that i wouldnt do if you are ordinary.
and when i fall-
i expect you to catch me.

i dont do boyfriend, i do husband
if you're not sharing the same wisdom as mine, then hop off please.

:)

should i, or should i not mark my territory?

i dont know. your version of story is far too different from hers. and now idk which one nak kena hadam dlm kepala.

petunjuk ke ni?

tapi kan kau jgk yg selalu ckp do not judge a person dgn masa silam dia. judge a person by his/her present, not his/her past.

then what should i do?